Dear Drama Queen,
We have a month of school left, but I’ve already got summer fever…
It’s almost summer time: the sun is out, girls are wearing those short shorts, and guys are showing off those abs they’ve been working on all winter. You’re going out every weekend, and you and your summer love are starting off strong. But there is only one problem: it’s May, and you’re still in school.
You still have homework, and you have to wake up early in the morning when you just got in the house from partying because you forgot school was still in session. You’ve been naughty—but you don’t want to be at summer school, so you need to get it together.
You need to come to school with a positive attidude. Be ready to learn. Come with the attidude and supplies you had on the first day of school. And you need to have fun at school! Laugh with your teachers because she had a brain fart in the middle of class. Do your homework with your friends, and I bet you will get it done.
What I have learned throughout life is that your mind speaks truth. So if you think it’s boring, then it’s going to be boring. Your mind determines a lot; so think postively, and your last days of school will postive. You’ll make it to summer in no time—I promise
Dear Drama Queen,
I don’t like you. Now what…?
So you had a confrontation with that one girl … IDK her name, but you do. You were friends, and y’all used to chat it up but now, since that run-in, there’s just nothing—and you don’t know what to do next. There are a couple of things you can do on this occasion depending on your problem/situation.
1. Situation 1: The two of you were friends
The two of you used to be friends and she backstabbed you, or you backstabbed her. You went bad on her cause she disrespected so now y’all not talking. The problem is in this situation is you kinda miss her. I mean let’s be real: ya’ll was friends and you got accustomed to having her in your life so now you need her back. Here is what you need to do, and now check it out cuz this is gonna require some big girl steps.
1. Pull her aside and tell her how you feel.
2. Let her know that you miss her, and you need the relationship. The both of you need to admit that you were wrong and apologize.
3. But that’s not where it ends: the two of you now need to sit down with no distractions, and list solutions to the problems so we don’t travel back down this road again.
Situation #2: The two of you were arch enemies to begin with
The two of you were arch enemies, and you got sick and tired of her, or she got sick and tired of you. You went bad on her cause she stay in yo business now nobody can’t stop talking about it. This is also gonna take some growing up to do, and you gon have to put on your big girl hat. Just like I told you before you need to pull her aside, and tell her what’s on your mind and how you feel without yelling, screaming, and going bad. You two also need to admit that you are wrong and apologize. Then make an agreement; I won’t bother you, and you don’t bother me; so we won’t be stuck in this situation. You might find out you have no reason not to like her. Then tell everybody else to mind their business, and that it is over with.
We as women have to understand that yelling and screaming is gonna get nothing accomplished. She can’t hear you, and you can’t hear her; therefore nothing is getting done. But, when the two of you sit down, be respectful, and get your words out and heard you will both end up in a better place.
Dear Drama Queen,
How do you know when your shoes are too small?
Ladies, we all have at least one pair of shoes that is just a tad too small, but they’re too cute to get rid of. However, no pedicure can get rid of the corns that will develop after wearing those shoes too often. Just give them up. When your little pinky toe hangs off the side of your sandals and surfs on the waves of the streets, give them up. That little piggy is crying for help and don’t you deny it.
When you have to scrunch up your toes before even putting the shoe on because you’re prepared for the tight squeeze, give ‘em up. I understand that some of us ladies out there are ashamed of our big feet. You’re probably thinking “guys dont like girls that have bigger feet than them”…but eventually he’s going to have to see those feet because you can’t hide under shoes forever. If there’s one thing guys hate it’s deception. So what you can pass for Michael Phelp’s sister…his feet won him 18 gold medals, so I suggest you embrace your big feet and find a purpose for them. For ladies with wide feet, I will help you understand the meanings of the various colors they can exhibit.
Red: stuffed, tight, suffocated, strangled
Blue: choked, giving up, weak, bloated, tingly
Purple: flat lined, busted, broken, gone
When the top of your feet flow over and out of your shoe, you are cutting off circulation. When your shoes become girdles for your feet, you are cutting off circulation. Therefore, your shoes are too small. Last but not least, for the boot lovers, if it takes you longer than five seconds to zip them up, they are too small. If your toe nail is able to puncture a hole through the tips of your boots, the boots aren’t “cheap”, you just decided to look cute instead of thinking about the future or your sharp toe nails.
Cardinal rules when buying shoes:
(pointed toe) — always buy a half size larger than your normal shoe size.
(open toe) – generally, buy a full size larger than your normal shoe size, though this may vary depending on the height of the wedge
Dear Drama Readers!
Halloween is dangerously near and I fear that I will come across quite a few costume disasters. Ladies, if you are planning on dressing up, and going trick or treating as a cartoon character, a Disney child star, or anything presumably “adorable” please make sure you keep it that way. That means no fishnet stockings, bare legs, cleavage chokers, whips or other seductive accessories. If I were a little tyke I would be scarred for life if Alice from Wonderland was walking down the street with the wrong set of cheeks smiling at me. We all have a right to our own artistic expression, however, you must consider all the little tink tinks that will lose sleep, wet the bed, and possibly stop watching their favorite movies. Instead of wearing fishnets try solid stockings/leggings. Maybe wear the right undergarments to insure overall security in the most vulnerable places, such as the chest, the buttocks and the midsection. For the ladies who support gender equality, consider this: not all referees, football players, baseball players, etc. have to wear booty shorts and push-up bras. Halloween is about fun and trick or treating, and don’t forget: it’s about getting goodies, not exposing yours.
Dear Drama Queen,
How can I fart with dignity?
Let’s be honest, people: everyone farts. However some of us haven’t mastered the art of discretion…Listed below are the essential tools for a successful fart.
Step 1: Oneness
You must learn to be so in tune with your body that you know when you are about to let one rip. If you don’t know what it feels like, it feels a bit like a ball is resting at the very end of your rectum. This awareness will keep you from allowing a fart to sneak up on you. Upon farting stray away from making any sudden movements or facial expressions. Never be afraid of the fart.
Step 2: Spontaneity
In order to pull this off I need you to have confidence. You must be able to discreetly fart any and everywhere. It is always better out then in. Backed up gas is a lot worse and harder to hide, so I suggest you let go and push slow. Take pride in the sent and get used to it. As a high school student I am very much aware of off campus cuisine. We students often eat what I like to call, gaseous foods such as: burritos, cheesy pizza, hoagie/Philly cheese steak sandwiches, etc. For our healthier eaters, farting isn’t much of a concern seeing as how they are more potty prone.
Step 3: Endurance ( The Blame Game)
No matter the scenario, the more people around you, the easier it is to fart. However, sometimes another person isn’t close enough for you to blame the fart on. Farting with dignity is all about giving others the opportunity to take the fall. As hard as it is to hold it sometimes, you have to preserver. Hold your cheeks in, face relaxed, and be patient.
Scenario: You are in class and have to pass gas. What do you do? You wait for the TA to walk down your isle and let it rip. Next you talk about the scent as if it is bothering you and suggest that the TA “left you a present”. Best-friends and cute boys are never too good to take the blame for a natural mistake. Any one who walks by you in mid- fart is fare game.
Until next time my friends…
Be smart about farts, never fart and run. Stick around, don’t miss the fun. The battle of the fart is already won.
Dear Drama Queen,
How do I come out to my friend?
First you must determine whether or not he/she really is your friend.
Second, think about your motives behind this action. Are you coming out in order to be truly honest with your friend or are you coming out because secretly you have feelings for him/her as more than friends?
Let me start by saying that if you feel like you can’t be open about your preferences then maybe you should re-evaluate the term ” friend” when referring to this person. They should accept you as you are. I’m a pretty blunt person and if I were to come out I would be very forward. I would simply say “Hey, I’m happily gay; take it or leave it.” However, you might be a little shy. That’s fine…I suppose I can work with you. To start with, try dropping subtle hints here and there. Stare at packages more often (and I’m not talkin’ about Fed Ex.) Girls, grab a tush or two, or three, or four. In reality it is mind over matter because if this is truly your friend you’ll have nothing to worry about.
If you’re coming out because you’re tired of hiding your feelings for your friend then that’s what makes things just a little more complicated. If you’re too blunt and say, “I’m gay and I’ve crushed on you since we first met,” then you might not get the reaction you’re looking for unless he/she feels the same. In which case you’ve both got some splainin’ and soul searchin’ to do. However, in the event that your friend is consciously straight you should take a more delicate approach. Initiate a hypothetical conversation. Start out by saying, “Hey, I’m just, ya know, wondering, if you had a chance to date any male/female in the world who would it be and why?” The follow-up question could be, “Have you ever tried anything with a boy/girl, just out of curiosity?” If it turns out that he/she was curious at some point you should introduce the idea of trying something with you because it would be more comfortable trying things with someone…familiar.
At the end of the day these types of things tend to be sensitive topics in friendships, especially if you weren’t honest about everything from the start. Maybe you haven’t told her because you were afraid she wouldn’t want to be your friend. Let me explain something to you: you shouldn’t be friends with people who have those kinds of biases and personal issues. You’re gay, okay? That’s fine.
What do you do the day after a guy breaks up with you?
Okay, now that you have the power let’s make sure you know what to do with it. If he flirts with you or hints that his feelings are still strong for you while still dabbling in other areas leave him alone for good. Nothing makes me more upset than seeing a friend of mine get played. On the other hand, if he is apologetic and shows that he realizes his mistake, than give it some time, but give him a chance. There’s no rush. He is on your time and if he has an issue with you taking it slow or being more cautious with your feelings then he can kick rocks. I am all about self confidence, empowerment, and rockin’ solo when you have to. Remember, you’ve invested lots of time into this person and in my opinion you should get a return on your investment. So if the relationship is salvageable don’t dare let him go and allow the next one to reap your benefits.
Dear Drama Qu33n,
What do you do the day after a guy breaks up with you?
Trust me I understand that you may be hurt and possibly depressed, but suck it up.
I’d like to think that we’re friends by now, so I feel it’s my obligation to tell you to get over him and “man-up.” I want no tears, no ice cream, no questioning your beauty, no wearing-all-black days, and no depressing Facebook status updates. Never let him see you sweat. It’s okay to hurt but if he left you, that’s his loss. So, the day after he breaks up with you I suggest you put on your tap shoes and step all over his face. Do your make up, wear that outfit you’ve been dying to wear, and get fancy! In the wise words of Swizz: “Nails done, hairs done, everything big.”
Of course he’s going to act like he is into that thing he has his arm around, but trust me he will peek at you every second he gets. Realistically, he won’t come around “right away” but he’ll be eating out of the palm of your hand soon enough.
Next week I’ll follow up with you on this issue, and will help you use your new power in very beneficial ways. For now, remind him of his mistake, cuz the grass isn’t always greener on the other side.
Dear Drama Qu33n,
How do I tell my best friend her breath stinks?
Well, first you have to determine the cause of this crisis.
Ask yourself these questions:
1. Has her breath always stunk or is it just recently?
2. Does it stink first thing in the morning or later in the day?
3. Is the stench so bad that you’re unable to hide your scrunched-up nose?
If this has become a recent issue one might wonder how often said friend brushes her teeth. If her birthday is coming up, I say buy her a flashy, stylish toothbrush with a matching case. If not, pop a mint in your mouth and insist she have one every time the stench arises. In the event that these signs don’t give her a clue tell her indirectly. Start a conversation right after/ during lunch.
You: Oh my gosh, don’t you just hate it when a guy tries to talk to you and his breath reeks!?
Her: I know, right!
You: It’s even worse when a cute guy tries to speak to you and your breath stinks.
Her: Yea that’s pretty bad. What a turn-off.
You: That’s why I do the breath-check before I leave the house and after eating lunch.
Her: Oh wow, are you serious?
You: Yes. I just cover my mouth, exhale into my hand, and sniff.
You: So try it! What if we run into a cutie pie? Don’t want to be embarrassed do you?…Hey, if I ever have bad breath you’ll let me know, right?
Her: Of course. That’s what friends are for.
If she is not a sensitive person then…
You: Ok cool…so, as a friend, I just want to let you know that your breath stinks.
After all that, if she still doesn’t realize it stinks, that’s another problem. Stay tuned for a follow up on this issue.
Dear Drama Qu33n,
How do I know if my boyfriend is cheating on me?
Well, do you think he’s cheating on you? If so, my friend, he probably is…
Don’t give me that “It’s not him, I’m just insecure, that’s all, he hasn’t done anything…” Don’t be stupid. The signs are all there…The random “I love you” text messages have stopped. He won’t hold your hand in public. I mean come on, get real…he’s done. But if you really want to be sure, use the four-step system below.
Step 1: Ask him how things are going at work, or school (anything he does away from you). If he’s cheating this response should sound familiar: “Uh things are going pretty well. Things are, um good, things are good.”
WRONG ANSWER BUDDY! You need basic details at least.
Step 2: Pretend that the gap in your relationship is all your fault. Cheaters will embrace this.
Step 3: Watch for the wondering eye. Don’t fall for the “Baby, I only have eyes for you” line. If that’s the case, what’s he doing looking at everyone but you? (Hardly any eye contact on dates…Swift neck…Extra nice to the help…)
Step 4: Pay attention to the constant gossip about your man. Don’t believe everything you hear, but if the same story is told continuously, from multiple people, you might want to look into that.
The Drama Qu33n is here for you and all your drama-related needs. Need some advice? Email her at firstname.lastname@example.org